Today

One Of Those Days…

I can’t understand why we’re waiting.

Last night, I stumbled across some photographs of the family in the hospital just after Beatrice had been born that either I have never seen or, if I have, I’ve not seen in long while and can’t remember. There are photos of my sisters beaming with pride at my partner as he holds our daughter; chuffed grandparents smiling at each other over my little family snuggling; an exhausted Mommy who has laboured for hours but is so so full of love and doesn’t want to miss a second so will never, ever sleep again. Moments of pure love, frozen for eternity.

I look at myself, holding my baby’s hand and cooing over her in her little cot and it takes a while for it to come back that this all really happened.

A real life nightmare but, throughout it, real moments of joy.

I was so proud of myself that I’d done it. I knew she was dead but she was still there with us and I was ecstatic about that. She was perfect and I was just bursting with happiness and love.

I look at those photos and I can only imagine how amazing that time must be if it isn’t steeped in sadness and grief. How amazing it must be to call people and say “she is here and everything is fine”! How great to be able to have your finger squeezed when you place it in your baby’s hand, to have them look at you, to feel them wriggling… To hear their cries instead of the sobs of your parents and siblings. It must be wonderful and exciting to introduce your baby to your friends and to their cousins; to have a naming ceremony rather than a funeral to mark the birth of your child.

It’s just bloody awful for us. It is. But when it works out… I can’t wait.

And today I actually can’t.

Today, I want more than anything to be pregnant and, right now, I just can’t remember why we’re waiting.

The thought of telling our parents that we are blessing them with another grandchild feels incredible. Telling Beatrice’s aunties and uncles and cousins would be so so wonderful. Just finding out ourselves… Me telling Rob… Letting everyone else know! The thought makes my heart burst. Imagine how great that will feel when it actually happens!

And then I carry on to thinking about dreaming about this new child like we did for Beatrice. Finding out the sex, feeling the kicking, picking the name, doing the nursery and on and on and on. It’ll just all be so so wonderful…

And the stuff I don’t yet know about: having another person around the house. Learning together. The trials and tribulations that it all brings. Being in The Mom Club. Getting excited about pooing. Boring everyone with facebook posts about Baby Sensory. Having plans for a day like “go for a walk” and that being the biggest event in your day. Being up all night in the rocking chair, feeding. Being exhausted but elated. Growing together. Teaching. The bedtime routine. Birthday parties, visiting Santa, looking in the rear view mirror to see a carseat and a dribbly smile…

…And yet I’m sat here today so so sad, deliberately stopping myself from being in that situation. Why? WHY?!?!

There are reasons- as you know, I’ve been through them before- and I know, deep down, that it is the right thing to do for us at the moment but I do currently feel like we’re just torturing ourselves to prove a point. We are happy. We are fine. As we are. We don’t need another baby. Life is fun and exciting and we have stuff planned that would have to be cancelled and changed if we had another baby.

Today though? Today I don’t care about that. You can take your holidays and trips and house buying and shove them where the sun don’t shine… Just like I did with my dream of living in London last time. Today I don’t want a house. I’d happily live on a postage stamp provided we were all happy and healthy. I don’t want a grand adventure in the big, wide world; I want the biggest adventure ever right here in our little home. Today I would sell everything I owned, I would give up everything, to be able to stop working and be at home with my brood.

We’re waiting and it’s the right thing to do and I’m trying to be patient and most of the time I am but… today? Today I want to be sat here, hiding away with my husband and my puppy and a glorious little secret. And I’m not.

Not today.

Today, I’m not really sure how I get up in a morning either.

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