Dear Santa

I hope you’re well and that you’re enjoying the build up to Christmas, however busy you are!

It has been a while since I’ve written to you as, for many years, I’ve not needed or wanted anything other than what I’ve got. Not really. I have gifts every year which are always appreciated but there has been nothing I’ve felt I needed to ask you for… Until now.

My baby died a few years ago; she was perfect but, unfortunately for us, she was stillborn. I miss her terribly and whilst I will always wish for things to be different- to turn back time and change things- I know that nobody can make that dream come true. Obviously, I would love for her to be here with us for Christmas and, whilst I know not even your magic can do that, I was wondering if you could do one of these other things for me:

  1. Help me remember

We were only with her for a short time and, as time rapidly moves on, these memories are harder and harder to form. I’ve forgotten what she smelt like. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to hold her. I’ve forgotten how tiny she was. I’ve forgotten how wonderful it was to kiss her and talk to her and just be in her presence. If you could help me remember, even just for a second, I’d be eternally grateful.

  1. Allow me to dream

I used to think a lot about what she’d be like now but it became too painful so I stopped. If you could send me a dream on a restless night to allow me to see how things would be- how she would’ve looked, her likes and dislikes, what she would’ve asked you for this year- without me waking up feeling drained and hurt, it would be really lovely.

  1. Make me feel

What I would love more than anything is to actually feel like I was holding her, feel like she was here with us, feel like she had never left. I know it would just be a dream, just a memory, just a fantasy but if I could escape here and truly live in that space just for a day, it would mean the world to me.

  1. Let me rest

Being a mother to an angel child is exhausting. To wake up without a heavy heart, a tight chest and a knotted stomach for a little while would be a very welcome relief. To be able to be happy and enjoy myself without feeling guilty afterwards would be great. To be able to have a conversation with anyone without them feeling sad, to get a good night’s sleep… Just to be able to go through a day and feel normal would be a dream come true.

  1. Send her a gift

I know she isn’t on this planet but I figure, as Father Christmas, you should make an effort to send all children a present… If you can, please just send her a little note to say that we love her and miss her more than anything. And if you can make it so that she isn’t hurting and can feel us there with her too, that’d be really, really great.

Thanks for reading; I appreciate how busy you are! I’ve been really good this year- as I’m sure you know- so fingers crossed you’ll be able to sort something out for me. After all, you’ve never disappointed before! The mince pie, the carrot and the brandy will be waiting for you anyway on the 24th, as always.

Merry Christmas Santa! And thanks in anticipation…

Love,

A Childless Mother

 

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